Thursday, 24 November 2016

"Knowing what you don't want to do is the best possible place to be if you don't know what you want to do." - Oprah.

Like most people, one of the difficult things I have had to deal with in my early twenties is figuring out what it is exactly that I want to do. It took a while for me to actually accept that I was unsure and actually say those words out loud, mainly because I was the one out of my friends that always knew what she wanted to do. I was always the one who had her life completely planned out. Well, at least that is what I thought until life slapped me across the face and I realised I was completely clueless. The things I was once passionate about were no longer appealing. They no longer moved me and this was a strange feeling for me.

Although my vision of what I wanted to do was no longer clear, who I wanted to be was never a question. I had a vision of the woman I wanted to be from a young age. 

I became a very self-conscious person, very far from the girl I knew. I started thinking about everything a hundred times, even something as simple as sending a text. I became so indecisive and constantly relying on other people to pick me up or make decisions for me.  I almost didn't recognise the person I was anymore, it was so far from the person I used to be and that's when I realised something had broke inside of me. It all happened so fast that I struggled to shrug it off. It was too deep now. 
I know I said before that I would be back to blogging regularly, but I felt that I still had a lot of "figuring things out" to do. I didn't want to keep doing something for the sake of it but instead because I really enjoyed doing it and I felt that I was serving a purpose. So instead, I kept my head down and continued working at my job until I figured it out.
I want to share a few of the difficulties I have faced, one of the biggest ones being self-doubt and losing my confidence. I've gotten to a place now where I do not care what people think again. I'm finally saying "F it" again. - I hadn't done that in nearly two years and I probably wouldn't be writing this post right now if I didn't feel that way. 

I made a conscious effort to pick up my pieces bit by bit. And to bring myself back to the person I was, back to the woman I wanted to be. It hasn't been the easiest journey but I’m so thankful for the close persons that reminded me of my worth when I couldn't find one positive thing to say about myself. 
I'm not 110% there yet, but I have come very far from where I was only a few months ago. I pledged to myself and to all the people close to me that believe in me so highly, that I would take control of my life again and follow my heart. I promised myself that I would have Sabr in everything I do and trust that this journey will make me stronger.

Sometimes it takes moving away from something you love and enjoy to realise it's the thing that you like doing the most. And sometimes we lose a part of ourselves but bounce back stronger. - I do not believe any time is wasted. We all have a journey and I believe that God has a bigger plan for us all.  I needed to step away from the things that I was doing, and try some things completely different. - Something that challenged me in other ways but also brought me back to what it was I needed to do. Losing myself for a moment, brought me back to a better more conscious me. 
I'm not sure what the next step will be, or what the next year will look like for me but I am more excited than I have been in a long time. I'm looking forward to my future; I hope you can join me in discovering what that will be.

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